No So Bad

So far the month of April hasn't been quite as bad as I thought. But, let's back up a bit.

Near the end of March I went to Vegas. I took $250 with me which was all I could afford for poker, food and anything else that came up. I came home with over $300. For once my poker playing covered my expenses and I was reminded how much fun poker can be when you are winning. I really just played simple ABC poker while concentrating on the players I could take money off of. I also had fun hanging with Shelly and had a nice dinner with CK so it was a great trip.

Now, back to the month of April. I worked my last shift at the hospital. We had exactly one patient in the building and not many walk-ins coming into the ER. In other words, I was bored out of my mind. I spent most of the morning playing gin-rummy with one of the admitting clerks. He kicked my ass but it kept me from dying of boredom. Supposedly the new owners will be re-opening the hospital in July but there is no guarantee that I will be hired back and, I'm not really sure I want to be anyway. I just don't think that it will feel as much like a family as it did before since a lot of the employees have already taken jobs elsewhere and I'd have to get to know a bunch of new people. Then again, the job search isn't exactly going anywhere. I've applied for several jobs but only had one interview with an employment agency. Nothing has come out of that interview yet and I'm not sure if anything will. Just the feeling I got from the recruiter but who knows, maybe something will happen.

I also had my bankruptcy hearing a couple of weeks ago. It was quick and easy. Nothing at all to stress over. My case was first on the docket. I sat at a table with my attorney and the trustee. She asked a bunch of questions, I answered them, and that was it. My case was recommended for approval and the judge takes care of that sometime this week. Now I just have to remember to make payments to the trustee every month for the next five years. Oh joy!!

I celebrated my birthday a week ago. Thanks to those who wished me a happy birthday. I really appreciate it. It was a fairly laid back day. I did no work and my parents took me out to dinner. Of course I didn't get my cake with butter cream frosting but I've come to expect that. I did get cheesecake though so I can't really complain. 

Until next time...may things turn out better than you expect!

Not The Way Things Should Be

Let's face it, in a perfect world we expect our parents to die before we do. It's the way things should be and, truthfully, if we have to think about the how, we picture our parents in their nineties dying in their sleep of natural causes. Again,  in a perfect world, that is how it should work. 

Some friends I've known since birth just lost their mother after a long running and very horrible illness. She wasn't in her nineties and she should have had many, many more years on this Earth. 

It really isn't fair and please, no platitudes about how life isn't fair and god knows what he is doing or any other crap. It really doesn't make anyone feel better.

The truth is that cancer fucking sucks and any god that allows that kind of suffering is a fucking asshole!

My Last Bad Decision

Last December while I was in Vegas with the bloggers, I made it very clear that I was broke and lots of people stepped up and bought me drinks, dinners, and just really made me feel good and bad all at the same time. Good to know I had so many friends willing to help me have an excellent time and bad because there is always some amount of guilt involved in accepting people's kindness when it is in the form of money. Anyway, thanks to everyone who picked me up at the airport, bought me drinks or food, gave me some spending money to gamble, paid for a cab or bus ride, and talked me into going to see Steel Panther (definitely a highlight of the trip). I really appreciate all of you and hope that someday I can find a way to repay you.

Once I got back to reality I had to deal with my financial situation. While I was in Vegas I had a plan in place and now was the time to act on it. In February I filed for Bankruptcy. This was not an easy decision for me but I had 15 years of debt accumulated and not enough money coming in to cover the payments. Plus, when you add in some not so wise decisions I made earlier in 2008, I was royally screwed. I'm not going to go into the gory details of the bankruptcy. I go to court on April 6th and, provided none of the creditors come after me, it should all be finalized by the end of the month. When you add that to the loss of my job at the hospital (it officially closes April 10th), lets just say my birthday month is going to kind of suck.  So, to that end I made one last bad decision.....next week I will be in Las Vegas again.

I know this is going to disappoint some of you as I really have no business going anywhere with  my financial situation being what it is and I really have no good reason other than I need to get away one last time before everything hits the fan. Shelly got a good room rate and the airfare wasn't bad. I withdrew most of my Full Tilt money and should be all set for inexpensive food and some light poker play. I will stay away from slots and all other -EV games. I'll walk instead of taking cabs (except to and from the airport which I have managed to synchronize with Shelly so we can share). But, most importantly, I'm going to have fun and not think about the impending court date or my last weekend at the hospital or the news I got last week about a family member. Starting one week from today none of that exists until I get back from my happy place.

Until next time....cut up all your credit cards now!!!!

In A Daze

I had hope that the New Year would be better, that I had hit the bottom and could only go up but, apparently, I was wrong.  This year has not gotten better and I feel like the hole is just getting deeper and soon I won't be able to see the light at the top. I've made a mess out of my life and I no longer know how to fix it.  While solving my financial problems will help, it won't be enough to get me out at this point.  I'm not even sure medication can do it anymore.  I'm overwhelmed and feel like I no longer have control over anything.  It's not a place I want to be but I'm not sure how to get to a better place.  

I just keep falling and, when I think I've hit bottom, it turns out to just be a ledge and I eventually start falling again.  There has to be a bottom....right?

TV Rant - Grey's Anatomy

WARNING: There may be spoilers, read at your own risk.

I love Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  He plays a hot dead guy and, let's face it, playing dead has kind of become his niche, but his storyline on Grey's has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! If the show hadn't yet jumped the shark, and I personally think it jumped when Meridith didn't die, it definitely jumped the day Izzie had sex with a dead guy.  The thing is, I can't stop watching!  I need to know where this crazy storyline is going.  Is Denny there to take Izzie to the great beyond and, if so, how is she going to die?  Will Eric Stoltz slit her throat or will Christina finally try to murder Meredith only to have Izzie jump in the way and get killed instead?  

Really people, why is this Izzie banging a dead guy storyline so surprising?  Did we really take a show that uses the nicknames McDreamy and McSteamy so seriously in the first place?  Sure it makes no sense, but when has this show really made sense?  The interns don't look any younger than the residents.  They've had explosions, floods, and a bunch of other tragedies at the hospital.  Derek is in love with Meredith.  Does any of that really make sense?  

Let's just enjoy this show for what it is, a guilty pleasure that isn't taking itself so seriously.  Truthfully, there are enough serious dramas out there with Law & Order, CSI, Bones, House, and Ghost Whisperer (ok, maybe not Ghost Whisperer) that I don't mind a little bit of stupidity in my week.  As I said, Jeffrey Dean Morgan is hot and I can withstand a dumb storyline to see more of his hotness.  I just wish he'd change his clothes, that gray shirt is driving me nuts.  You would think that if a dead guy could have sex, he could change his clothes every once in a while.  

Estella Toby Jipson Eaton

This is my great-grandmother on her 100th birthday this past April.  A few days later there was a huge party with a couple hundred members of her family.  She had a brand new dress for the occassion and seemed to have a good time despite being overwhelmed.  Just a few short hours ago, this lovely lady passed away.  I don't know the details but she was 100 so I don't think it's that difficult to figure out.  

I don't have much more I want to say at the moment.  I'm still processing everything.  I will say that I'm glad I got back to Maine for her birthday party as I won't be able to afford the flight back for the funeral.  Anyway, it's probably better to remember her as she was last April 15th.

UPDATE: 

Funeral arrangements are in progress but she won't actually be buried until spring.  There will be another service at that time and my goal will be to fly out to Maine for that.

Apparently she knew her time was about up as, on New Years, she told one of the relatives that she wasn't going to need the TV anymore.  She lost a son a few years ago and her sister about a month ago and it was just getting harder for her.  It was her time.

Morning Walk Musings: Off to School, Part 1

This morning, while on my walk, I sent out the following twitter:

"Extra layer of warmth for walk today was a smart move. Still not as cold as when I would walk a mile in the snow, uphill, to school."

I'm not going to whine about how cold it is today because I'm from Maine and I know real cold.  I also know the second sentance of that tweet is actually the truth.  For 2 years I walked a mile to school every day, no matter what the weather, and there was a hill I had to trek up at the end.  Then, once I got to school, I'd have to wait outside with everyone else until the bell rang.  I usually didn't thaw out until second period.  I'm sure there are other people who can relate.  Most schools had a rule that if you lived less than 1 mile from the school, they would not provide bus service.  Here's the really crazy part.....I could have taken the bus.....my house was 1 mile from the school.

I lived in California during my elementary school years and, part way through my 4th grade year, we moved and I had to go to a new school.  The school I left behind was really nice.  There were small classes and everyone got along.  When I started the new school I discovered I was in a whole new world.  On my first day I was challanged to a fight after school.  The girl later backed down because she decided she liked me.  This school also became my first experience with "The Clique".  Back then I didn't know the term "clique" but I could see the kids would divide themselves into different groups during recess.  If you didn't know the secret "code" of the group, you weren't invited to join.  I found the whole thing rather strange but knew I wanted to belong somewhere, I just wasn't sure which group would accept my code.